Nothing But Garble (Characters)

WARNING – Spoilers for the entire book here!


John (Appears in John – A Story of Tangerines, Ceilings and Ropes and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Cause of Death – Ant (John 2 – Fix Everything)

John is the first character the reader is introduced to in the story. He wakes up on his ceiling during the December of 2016 thanks to a disease given to him by Satan. John’s disease was Satan simply testing his new abilities. As the world became more Satanist, Satan had a larger grip on the Earth.  After being taken care of by his brother Todd (with assistance from Obama, Biden, Neil, and Richard), John is eventually rid of his disease. In January of 2019, John receives a call from Todd saying that he had gained the disease as well. John decides to go to the doctor’s office, and he soon realizes that every human in the world had been affected. The only person in the office is Melman the Giraffe from Madagascar, who is efficiently replicating the cure made by John’s doctor. They go to Todd’s house, but before they are able to save Todd, ants ram into the house and destroy it. Melman and John decide to call Alex the Lion, who helps them save Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, and takes them to Wood Buffalo National Park. There, John dies in a stressful encounter with ants. He is then explained to God that since Satan had infected John with the disease, Satan’s energy remained in him. The only way to save the world is for John to sacrifice his soul and remove all remaining energy of Satanism out of the world. After he dies, God recreates the world and makes sure it does not happen again.

Todd (Appears in John – A Story of Tangerines, Ceilings, and Ropes and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Cause of Death – Ant (John 2 – Fix Everything)

Todd is the brother of John, the man who got attached to the ceiling from his disease. After learning about John’s disease, Todd comes over to his house and takes care of him until a doctor can cure him. While there, Obama and Biden come to visit. After Todd throws a tangerine at the ceiling (hoping John would catch it), the ceiling breaks, and John falls through and survives, holding onto the roof. Once police officers Neil and Richard come to the house, Todd and the rest are able to pull John back down to safety. He then gets the disease himself in John 2 – Fix Everything. He has it for a very short time before being killed by ants.

Barack Obama and Joe Biden (Appear in John – A Story of Tangerines, Ceilings, and Ropes and On to Canada!)

Cause of Death – Space Exposure (John 2 – Fix Everything)

After John gets stuck on the ceiling, the world is shocked. This included the occupants of the White House at the time. Barack Obama and Joe Biden go to investigate the situation on their own time during their last days as President and VP. After the tangerine brings John into a near death experience, Biden calls police officers Neil and Richard to help out. They come over, and the five end up saving John’s life. The two go through an entertaining and illegal car ride in On To Canada! which ends in them going to Wood Buffalo National Park. They took the ride because of a deal President Paul Ryan had created with the Australians to help them with the ant problem. While not directly stated, it is assumed that they die after everyone on Earth gets the gravity disease. A giant hole in the roof of their house is a key reason to believe this.

Neil and Richard (Appear in John – A Story of Tangerines, Ceilings, and Ropes and Missing)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and John 2 – Fix Everything)

After Biden calls the local police to save John, Neil and Richard are told that they have a job to do. Neil and Richard make their way to John’s house with the rope they need to save him. After they do that, the two leave and become world famous police officers. People from the other side of the world had heard of their heroic efforts. As a result, plenty of people wanted them to solve their cases. Neil and Richard decided to take one up from England that asked the two to locate Ebenezer Scrooge. After searching the crime scene, their investigation leads to the North Pole, where Santa lives. On the plane ride there, a terrorist attacks the small crew. Neil successfully attacks the assailant from behind and handcuffs him, now believing he is safe. Neil and Richard soon notice that the plane is losing altitude rapidly, so they go to the cockpit and try to keep the plane afloat. They survive, but the rough landing of the plane kills everyone else on the flight. When approaching Santa, Neil and Richard arrest Santa and find out that Scrooge and Rudolph are on the Moon. This case also becomes famous, giving them two world famous missions.

Viraj Mehta (Appears in Neighbors and The Three Presidents)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Viraj was a senior at Stanford University when he competed in the Jeopardy College Championship. Unfortunately, while he earned $25,000, it simply wasn’t enough to keep him going. The medical bills were too rough, and he had to move in with his friend Ken Jennings. After a decent amount of time living there, Viraj decides that he wants to mingle with the unusual neighbors. When he arrives, the family kidnaps him and end up being horse-like beings with shape-shifting abilities. Ken Jennings calls the police, who are able to save Viraj. God later inhabits the body of Viraj in The Three Presidents to help defeat Satan.

Ken Jennings (Appears in Neighbors and The Three Presidents)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and John 2 – Fix Everything)

After Viraj was unable to pay for himself, Ken Jennings allowed him to stay at the Ken shack. When Viraj wants to visit the neighbors, Ken mentions that they have plenty unusual habits. He says that the family is a family of farmers that brings countless animals into their house. Ken believes that they kill the animals once brought into the house. Viraj does not believe this and leaves anyways. After Ken tries to get in contact with Viraj with no luck, he calls the police. This is able to get Viraj saved. Ronald Reagan later inhabits the body of Ken in The Three Presidents to stop Sesom from spreading his commandments.

Dylan Jennings (Appears in Neighbors and The Three Presidents)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Dylan contributes very little to Neighbors, but does support Ken’s claim that the Neighbors are suspicious people. His body is inhabited by Lyndon B. Johnson in The Three Presidents.

Rudolph (Appears in Ebenezer Scroodolph and The Last Christmas)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between The Last Christmas and John 2 – Fix Everything)

This story takes the character of Rudolph in an entirely direction. The teasing given to Rudolph ends of becoming so harsh that Rudolph falls into a depression and gets addicted to marijuana, something that had killed his father in the past. When he is about to take some of his daily dose of weed, Rudolph receives a vision from The Ghost of Christmas Trump to visit Ebenezer Scrooge in London. Rudolph decides to listen to the Ghost and see the man who changed his life for the better. Once there, Scrooge convinces Rudolph to stop taking drugs and to go clean. As soon as Rudolph reluctantly agrees, Santa knocks down Scrooge’s door and attempts to murder Rudolph with a club. Rudolph and Scrooge escape and decide to live on the Moon. After a while, they are forced to come back down to Earth. Rudolph is arrested while Scrooge continues to live peacefully in London. Later, the ants begin to ravage the Earth, and what is believed to be the final Christmas is way too foggy. To lighten it up, Santa comes to the prison to get the red-nosed reindeer. Rudolph agrees to put aside their differences in favor of giving the kids the best Christmas yet. Rudolph, Santa, and the rest of the reindeer successfully deliver the presents to all the children, and even take on and kill an ant.

Scrooge (Appears in Ebenezer Scroodolph)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Years after “A Christmas Carol,” Scrooge is good homies with the Christmas Ghosts. The Ghost of Christmas Present introduces him to the Ghost of Christmas Trump. By now, Scrooge has heard of the harassment in the North Pole, so he sends his new friend over to Rudolph, hoping that he would visit London. After sending The Ghost of Christmas Trump, Rudolph arrives and Scrooge is glad to see his companion do his job well. After a decent bit of talking, Scrooge successfully convinces Rudolph to stop doing drugs and attempt to live a better life. Soon after, Santa comes by and tries to kill the two, but they escape to the Moon. However, Rudolph and Scrooge only stay for a few months before being taken back to Earth.

Santa Claus (Appears in Ebenezer Scroodolph, Missing, and The Last Christmas)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between The Last Christmas and John 2 – Fix Everything)

On a day not too long after Christmas, Santa’s sleigh has been stolen. This infuriates the jolly bowl of jelly, who takes out his club, eager for blood. He makes his way to London, England, and bashes down the door of Ebenezer Scrooge. Santa chases the gang of two, but they are able to elude him. Santa was no longer able to sense them, which confirmed his suspicions that they were headed to the Moon. A good chunk of time goes by until police officers Neil and Richard find out that Santa broke into the house of Ebenezer Scrooge. They make their way to Santa’s house in the North Pole. When approached, Santa agrees to questioning, and is soon arrested. He stays there until the Christmas of 2018, when he is released during the antpocalypse. After calling Dasher, the sleigh (now back from the Moon) arrives at his feet. Once a small debate concludes, it is official that there will be one more Christmas, despite the undesirable conditions. The only problem would be the night sky. It was too foggy, so he had only one option; Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The two had gone through many arguments and issues, debates and trials, but it was now time for them to work together. One thing about Santa was that he may be mean-spirited and aggressive at times, but he would always do anything for the benefit of the children. Christmas was extremely important to him. Santa and the reindeer are later able to carry out the final Christmas, and even take out an ant. From there on out, Santa Claus would know that he died on a high note.

Dasher (Appears in Ebenezer Scroodolph and The Last Christmas)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between The Last Christmas and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Dasher is one of Santa’s favorite reindeer, although it is not a good idea to pick favorites. Dasher is the first to notice Rudolph steal Santa’s slay, so he pulls out an elf-crafted shotgun and begins to gun him down. This is an unsuccessful execution. Dasher is also the one to pick up Santa from jail, and the one that opposes the last Christmas.

Brad Rutter and Roger Craig (Appear in Two Guys On a Boat)

Cause of Death (Brad) – N/A

Cause of Death (Roger) – Pirate (Two Guys On a Boat)

Wanting to get a boat, these two Jeopardy! champions decide that it is worth becoming smugglers to achieve their goals. The only old boat they were able to get was sold by smugglers, who asked them to bring IPhones into Australia as a result of their purchase. They agree, but they do not know how dangerous the journey will be. About halfway through, Brad and Roger discover Guy, a mushroom with the ability to talk. They have very little time to acquaint themselves, as a pirate comes on board the ship. Brad is able to kill the invader, but both Roger and Guy pass away. Without Roger, Brad had no clue how to navigate the ocean blue. He decides to land on an island and take a rest, but the mushroom turned out to have other friends on the ship. Brad’s craft leaves without him, with no way to escape. He tries to call the police, but nobody is able to pick him up. Brad is revealed to be the last human on Earth, and the only one not to be killed during the story at the end of the book.

Guy (Appears in Two Guys On a Boat)

Cause of Death – Pirate (Two Guys On a Boat)

Perhaps the most innocent murderer, Guy was once in the movie Madagascar 4. The movie, however, ended in failure, during a pool scene that ended up murdering Gloria and the four penguins. Only Melman, Alex, Marty, and Guy survived the filming. Guy makes his way over to a boat, soon taken by Brad Rutter and Roger Craig. The two are shocked when he is discovered, but the shock is changed to grief when both Guy and Roger are shot by a pirate.

Ronald Reagan, Lyndon B. Johnson, and Richard Nixon (Appear in The Three Presidents)

Cause of Death – N/A

After dying, Ronald Reagan, Lyndon B. Johnson, and Richard Nixon live together in the White House of Heaven. When Satan sends down his Moses doppelganger, named Sesom, God chooses the three presidents to go down to Earth in the bodies of Ken Jennings’s family. They have the task of killing Sesom and preventing the spread of Satanism, which has begun to have a strong grip on the world. After being transported to their hosts, Reagan, LBJ, and Nixon leave Ken’s house to drive towards Sesom’s house in Seattle. Upon reaching Sesom’s house, the three decide to seem as understanding of Sesom as possible, but Nixon gets tired of him and shoots Sesom. After dying, Satan’s spirit rises out of Sesom and begins to attack the three. Satan completely obliterates them, but God, disguised as Viraj Mehta, comes to help out. Once he arrives, Satan has to flee. Fortunately for the presidents, Satan is soon slain. Eventually, everyone returns to Heaven, and life goes back to normal.

God (Appears in The Three Presidents, Journey to Hell, and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Cause of Death – N/A

God is one of the key figures in saving the world. He makes his first move by sending Reagan, LBJ, and Nixon down to Earth to kill Satan’s worker, Sesom. To his surprise, Satan himself ends up appearing, so God goes into the body of Viraj to kill Satan. After successfully killing Satan, God notices that the people from Hell have not come up to Heaven. To prevent another Satanist continuing Satan’s legacy, God sends Washington, Wilson, and Lincoln straight down to Hell, hoping that they would find a way to bring the criminals up. This mission ends in a success, but he realizes that the Christians back on Earth have no idea about what is going on with Heaven and Hell. Because of this, God sends Oppenheimer down as an advanced ant. God was hoping that people would believe Oppenheimer’s story if he had qualities unexplained by science. God soon realizes that this was a a mistake when ants begin to destroy the entire world. Since John’s disease was caused by Satan, God knew that John was the only thing keeping God from having a 100% grip on the world. The only way to reverse the effects of Oppenheimer were to have this grip. When John is killed, God asks if John would be willing to sacrifice his soul to save the world. John agrees, and God is able to change the world back to what it was before John was infected by Satan. After killing John, God reverses the world and changes it into the one we know today.

Sesom (Appears in The Three Presidents)

Cause of Death – Richard Nixon (The Three Presidents)

Sesom is one of Satan’s top men. As the grip of Satan on the Earth grew larger and larger, Satan decided to try and influence Christianity. Sesom was the man for this job. He created a new set of commandments that would have been examined by Pope Francis, but after getting a house in Seattle, God takes note. He sends down Reagan, LBJ, and Nixon, who end up making quick work of Sesom.

Satan (Appears in The Three Presidents)

Cause of Death – God, Ronald Reagan, Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon

Satan is the cause behind much of the chaos in the story. He starts out by infecting John with a disease that makes him wake up walking on his ceiling. This makes it impossible for God to have a 100% grip on the world unless John’s soul is destroyed. Satan later sends Sesom to influence the public to follow Satanism. Sesom is killed, so Satan goes down on his own and squares off against Reagan, LBJ, and Nixon, who murdered Sesom. Satan is able to do well, but when God comes down, the battle takes a turn. After a short skirmish, Satan is killed, giving God an almost 100% grip on the world.

Caitlin Jennings (Appears in The Three Presidents)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and John 2 – Fix Everything)

While she has no role, Nixon inhabits Caitlin Jennings’s body in The Three Presidents.

Mark David Chapman (Appears in Operation Executive)

Cause of Death – Capital punishment (Operation Executive)

After being finally released from jail, the killer of John Lennon decides to affiliate himself with the Chicago Outfit. He works his way up to becoming the leader of the gang, and constructs a plan to kill Donald Trump, the current president of the United States. With the help of an Outfit member named Bruce, the Outfit takes a bunch of cannons and fires them at the White House, killing Trump and Pence. The police soon come after the Outfit, and take Mark away, but the rest are able to survive. Mark is given capital punishment for his actions.

Bruce (Appears in Operation Executive)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and John 2 – Fix Everything)

One of the most important members of the Outfit, Bruce gives Mark the idea to lug cannons into their limousine. They would use the cannons and fire at the White House to kill Donald Trump. This plan ends up killing both Trump and Pence, making Paul Ryan the president. When escaping the police, Bruce shoves Mark out of the car, hoping the police would go after the leader. This works, and Bruce soon becomes the leader of the Chicago Outfit.

George Washington, Woodrow Wilson, and Abraham Lincoln (Appear in Journey to Hell)

Cause of Death – N/A

After an intense one on one in basketball with Polk, George Washington is tired. He sits down with Woodrow Wilson and they talk about how great the game was. Their conversation is unfortunately cut short, though, when God comes back to the White House of Heaven. God asks for Reagan, LBJ, and Nixon to go down to Hell and stop a potential Satanist boom, but Washington and Wilson reveal that they are all unavailable. Because of this, God puts his faith in Washington and Wilson to prevent the Satanism issue. For more support, they bring a half-asleep Abraham Lincoln. When brought down to Hell, they wake up in Stalin’s house, who wards them off. The three realize that if they blow up Hell, everyone will die and get brought back to purgatory. To do this, they turn to Oppenheimer, the creator of the atomic bomb. He helps out the three by creating another bomb and blowing up Hell, ending the risk of Satanism for good.

Oppenheimer (Appears in Journey to Hell and Extravagant)

Cause of Death – N/A

Oppenheimer is the main villain of the story, despite having very few appearances. He starts out by blowing up Hell, a request of Washington, Wilson, and Lincoln. After doing this, God approaches him. God asks for Oppenheimer to go back to Earth in order to inform Christians about Satan’s death and Hell’s explosion. In order to make the public believe God, he sends Oppenheimer down as a talking ant. After going down, Oppenheimer betrays God and begins to reproduce with other ants. This becomes a problem in Australia, causing Paul Ryan to create a deal with Australia, which is meant to help rid of the ants. While the plan is being executed, Oppenheimer is worked on another atomic bomb, and it’s his biggest one yet. After being approached by an unsuspecting old man named Louis, Oppenheimer is forced to act casual. This works until Louis discovers the bomb. After he finds it, Oppenheimer chases Louis on his own, before summoning other ants to come to his aid. Louis escapes into the sky with the help of Marty the Zebra, but the ants continue to pursue. Soon, Oppenheimer’s first plan works, and Australia blows up entirely. Oppenheimer becomes one of the few characters to survive the story after the entire human population, excluding Brad Rutter, is killed. However, all of his efforts are reversed when God brings the world back to before John was ever infected by Satan.

Alex the Lion (Appears in Find and Retrieve, Extravagant, and John 2 – Fix Everything)

Cause of Death – Ant (John 2 – Fix Everything)

Alex the Lion is not even brought up until late into the story, but once he is, he plays one of the most important roles in the story. After a failed Madagascar 4, Alex needs a job. The government, being the only people to take Alex in, assign him two jobs. The first is to find Barack Obama and Joe Biden in Wood Buffalo National Park. The other is to rob banks in Baghdad to fund President Paul Ryan’s deal with Australia. For the first, Alex gets help from press secretary Sean Spicer. The two of them go to Wood Buffalo National Park, but they quickly get into arguments. Spicer, believing that the team would be so much further without Alex, challenges Alex to a race. Whoever finds Obama and Biden first would win. After splitting, Alex hears a scream from Spicer, who is being attacked by bison. Alex is unable to save his friend, but escapes Wood Buffalo on his own. A helicopter picks him up and brings him to Baghdad, where he meats up with Louis and Marty the Zebra. The three of them are arrested for robbing banks and, for Louis and Marty, destroying important monuments in Baghdad. The three are sent to Abu Ghraib. Alex becomes the only survivor of the prison once the ants attack it. He later meets up with John and Melman in order to cure President Ryan’s reverse gravity disease. The three are successfully able to save the president, but on their way to Wood Buffalo National Park, an ant comes by and kills Melman. John and Alex escape to Wood Buffalo, where they find where Obama and Biden had been hiding the whole time. However, once they get there, the two presidents are not present. The party decides to assume that they died to the disease. Seemingly going for Justin Trudeau next, Alex and John make their way back to the helicopter. They aren’t out of the woods yet, though, and ants pursue them. Alex and the helicopter are soon dashed into by an ant, which killed him and blows up the helicopter. John dies almost immediately after.

Sean Spicer (Appears in Find and Retrieve)

Cause of Death – Bison (Find and Retrieve)

Spicer is only assigned to help out the money-hungry Alex the Lion because Alex simply can’t drive. However, Spicer quickly gets an idea that he is more essential to the mission than Alex. The two argue, and eventually part ways. They decide to compete to see who can find Obama and Biden in Wood Buffalo National Park first. Spicer goes off on his own route, and since the bison in Wood Buffalo had become more aggressive as of late, Spicer was unprepared. He was quickly ambushed and killed by the wildlife, despite Alex trying to save him.

Louis (Appears in Extravagant)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and The Last Christmas)

Louis is an old man who does nothing but tend to his lawn. He is completely unaware of the deal between the US and Australia, unaware of the ant issue as a whole, and apparently unaware of a giant hole in his yard. Upon discovering this giant hole, Louis decides to delve headfirst into an endeavor that changed the history of the world. After a long walk, Louis meets up with Oppenheimer, who is creating an atomic bomb. Louis is suspicious of the room which he doesn’t know has the atomic bomb, but ignores it. Upon later inspection, Louis finds out Oppenheimer’s plan. Because of this, Oppenheimer is forced to chase down Louis, who runs out of the hole successfully. A bucket soon falls out of the sky, and Louis looks up to see Marty the Zebra, here to save the day. Louis makes his way out of Australia and towards Baghdad to pick up Alex the Lion. The ants pursue them the entire trip. Once they make it to Baghdad, Marty celebrates too soon and crashes into a few monuments. This causes them and Alex to get arrested into Abu Ghraib. Louis and Marty die there, but Alex safely escapes.

Marty the Zebra (Appears in Extravagant)

Cause of Death – Ant (Between Extravagant and The Last Christmas)

Claiming to have telepathy with grass-cutters, Marty the Zebra first appears coming to rescue Louis. He drops a bucket from the top of his helicopter (which was a reference to how he saved Alex in Madagascar 2), and Louis climbs in. The two escape to Baghdad, but crash into monuments such as the Baghdad Tower on the way. The ants also are brought to Baghdad because of the two. Marty, Louis, and Alex, who was robbing banks in Baghdad, are all arrested into Abu Ghraib. Marty dies there with Louis during an ant attack of the prison.

Melman the Giraffe (Appears in John 2 – Fix Everything)

Cause of Death – Ant (John 2 – Fix Everything)

After Madagascar 4 was cancelled due to the deaths of the penguins and Gloria, Melman became a doctor in John Brotzman’s town. Once the entire world is affected with John’s old disease, Melman is working vigorously on the cure. John comes by to visit in order to save his brother, Todd. Melman decides to help out John and goes with him to Todd’s house with the cure. However, when they reach his house, ants barrage the town and kill Todd, along with plenty of other houses. Melman calls Alex the Lion, the only survivor of Abu Ghraib, to fly them to Paul Ryan. They believed that he would be one of the most important people to cure. Once reaching the New Congress in Alaska, Melman is the one who suggests to bust down the secure door. The three are able to distribute the cure to Paul Ryan and the entire Congress. Now with an important victory, Melman and the gang decide to visit Obama and Biden in Wood Buffalo. However, Melman gets stuck because of his long neck. While trying to get back into the helicopter, an ant dashes right through his neck.

President Paul Ryan (Appears in John 2 – Fix Everything)

Paul Ryan is one of the key figures in the story. He is forced to inherit a mess. After Mark David Chapman blew up the White House, Paul Ryan is forced to become the new president of the United States. One of his main issues as president is dealing with Australia’s ant crisis, caused by Oppenheimer. In order to help prevent its spread, Paul Ryan spends a lot of money, most of which is unable to be afforded. The government looks to Alex the Lion in order to stop the problem. Alex is sent into Baghdad in order to steal money from banks. When Alex is caught, Paul Ryan tries his hardest to get him out of prison, but Iraq refuses to give up one of the three survivors of Madagascar 4. Paul Ryan later has to deal with the destruction of Washington D.C. from the ants. Paul Ryan and all of Congress is forced to move to Alaska, which is a lot safer. Their capital becomes underground, as it is more safe from ants. When he later gets infected by the reverse gravity disease, Paul Ryan is one of the few people who actually get cured before death. Melman, John, and Alex (he’s repaying Paul Ryan for trying to get him out of jail!) all bring Paul Ryan the treatment he needs in order to function normally. This doesn’t help him, however, as the entire world was soon to be slain by ants.